11 Basic Substackers 2: White Bread Edition!!! 🍞
Will you survive round 2?
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Welcome to 11 Basic Substackers 2: White Bread Edition. Do people make fun of you for liking white bread? Why? Everyone likes white bread! What’s the big deal??? If you are still reading then this is the article for you. First, reacquaint yourself with the original right here:
Then read on and see if you have survived this round…
The Productivity Machine - You write how to automate everything you do to the point you are almost no longer human. Most of your mind is uploaded to notes and calendars on and off the web. Thanks to these productivity tips you save 20 hours of work a week! The only problem is now you spend 30 hours a week increasing productivity.
The Travel Writer (idea:
) - Yes you were stressed out from the liberal arts degree you obtained in college and needed to “find yourself.” Turns out “finding yourself” and taking a vacation ARE THE SAME THING!!! Thank God daddy’s rich! You teach all of us simple folk how these foreign countries work now that you have just arrived. Lucky for you, very few people can call you out on being wrong… except for the natives in your comment section. They are REALLY NOT HAPPY.The Culture Writer (idea:
) - You write about the current culture. What is culture anyway? It’s whatever you see trending on social media. Good for you! What people would call wasting time, you have turned into a job!
The Substack Supremacist - You write Notes that talk about how great Substack is compared to other social media platforms. All other users of X Marks The Stupid, Disgracebook, YouPoop, Instascam are intellectually inferior to the Substack Master Race. C’mon, just because it’s true doesn’t mean you should say it!
The Lurker - You don’t bother uploading a profile pic. Everyone only knows you by your email address. The only time you like, comment and share articles is after you read this one.
The Life Coach - Let’s be honest, your life’s a wreck. Because it’s so messed up, you have studied it very hard and looked up ways to improve it. That’s great! However now you think you are an expert. Unfortunately this is like taking advice from a 400 lb. man on how to lose weight. Also your friends and family are too scared to tell you to get a normal job.
8 & 9 Written by
:The Quality Dandy - Writing is an art, a calling! Can you put a price tag on a Picasso? You are highly displeased with everyone showing their metrics. You view it as showing your bank balance on your Tinder profile. They explain in length on Notes how they don't care, which is exactly what you do when you don't care.
The Sad Updater - They post their metrics, whose curves mirror Audrey Hepburn more than Dolly Parton. With an array of crying emojis they ask what they are doing wrong? Where can they post their work to gain some eyeballs? Is it readers' short attention spans? Maybe their post didn't appear on their few readers’ notes? They sometimes mock themselves gently. "Ha! I’m so bad at this Substack game. Follow me to learn how not to grow! I would write about that...but no one will read it."
The Perpetual Self Healer - Your Substack is all about healing. What happens if you actually get better? Will you shut down your Substack??? You've now monetized your illness and provided a financial incentive to never recover!
The Crypto Fortune Teller - People can’t honestly tell if you are keeping them up to date on current crypto events, trying to scam them or getting scammed yourself. You have 💎💎💎🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 that hodl forever! WE’RE GONNA BE RICH!!! STACKY COIN WILL 🚀🚀🚀🌚🌚🌚!!! The NFT’s you bought will make you rich just like the Beanie Babies did!!! (Translation: You have made a long term investment that short term market fluctuations will not make you sell. Over a long enough period of time Stacky Coin’s solid tech fundamentals will make the price skyrocket. The picture you bought is less valuable than a hacky sack shaped like a bear.) Honestly you’d have to be insane to invest in crypto which is why I’m accepting donations here!!!
The Satire Writer - You are fluent in sarcasm. Most of your friends don’t laugh at your jokes because they all fly over their heads. Thank God you know it isn’t because you aren’t funny!!! WHEW!!! Your average post involves picking something super popular like The Beatles and making fun of them. Was Einstein really that smart? Why is Elmo allowed to use Twitter? AI is definitely going to kill us. That being said, who wouldn’t want robots doing our work for us? It’s not much but it’s an honest living.
So…
Did you survive this round?
Did I miss anyone?
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Another fun, I'm not sure where I belong yet. Perhaps you missed the perpetual lost soul stuck in limbo unsure which category to stick to, so much for unfinished business 😅.
There are some deep jabs here 😜
It’s funny seeing other people through your listing but of course I would never belong to one of your shallow symptoms. Lol
But something occurred to me last night and now again.
We need more goddamn laughter. We need to make fun of people and ourselves.
I think being a comedian is harder these days with cancel culture and people being offended.
But seeing humor in life will increase our longevity.
Thanks for the read!