Thalia's GRIFT Guide 2024!!!
Get the perfect gift for your closest enemies
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Everyone is releasing their 2024 gift ideas this year so I figured I’d go the opposite direction and release great GRIFT ideas! These are perfect for the important people in your life that you DON’T care for. Hopefully these grift ideas put a smile on your face.
(Disclaimer: If you take advice from a comedy site seriously, then you are dumb.)
Electric Shock Workout Belt
When you give them this belt, be sure to comment on how flabby they have looked recently. Also be sure to apologize for the size like, “I’m sorry if it’s too small. I bought the biggest size that I could find to fit your stomach. It would be a shame if your extremely rotund pony keg was too large for their largest size! Amazing how even exercise companies never help the morbidly obese nowadays! They need to get with the times!”
Bonus: Replace the batteries with ones that are more powerful.
Old Calendar
Buy them a calendar that is a year or more old. Oops!
Wrinkle Cream
Another one that is easy to bring up, “Aunt Agatha, I don’t know if you have seen this product before. I bought the extra large tub because I figured you would need it.”
Exotic Pets
This one is great because there are tons of exotic pets that you can get on Craigslist for free. Classics include cockatoos (outlive their owners and are loud), boa constrictors (super large), and crocodiles (I think you can figure it out.)
Cleaning Supplies
Any cleaning supplies will do. Tell them, “I got you these because I know you are such a hard worker, the sorry state of your house must be because you ran out of cleaning supplies. Well don’t worry anymore, I am here for you.”
Bonus: If they have kids, mention they won’t have to run around like dirt encrusted street urchins anymore.
Cookbook
Again this needs some research. Figure out what they are bringing to the party and coordinate the cookbook with what it is, “Oh hi Trey! I noticed you went to the store and bought some cookies instead of making your own. Well don’t worry because here is a great cookbook that makes good tasting cookies!”
Bonus: If they don’t bring anything, “Oh I noticed you didn’t bring any food, so here’s a cookbook that will help you contribute to the party next time!”
“Ugly” Sweater
This is much more devious. You need to find out where they bought one of their favorite sweaters and buy a duplicate of it. This would be a sweater they wear outside of Christmas, not a classic ugly sweater. Then when you gift it to them tell them you bought an ugly sweater! Perfectly evil!
Bonus: It’s the same one they are wearing that day!
(Disclaimer 2: ⚡TGTN⚡ will not be held responsible for any injuries and/or shattered relationships that occur if you take this seriously. Satire like this should only be read by trained professionals.)
Lifetime 60% Off Discount!
For the holidays I’m discounting my paid tier! Lock in a lifetime 60% discount that only costs $23 a year. (The price of a nice meal.) I have plans for more paid perks in the future! Any support is very appreciated.
Discount
https://www.thaliascomedy.com/5baa416b
Have a great week!
Thalia
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I hadn't heard the ugly sweater idea, but it made me think of the scene in the pro shop from 'Caddyshack': https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmEV1d7RPvg
Love the sweater idea Thalia.
When our sons were young back in ‘03 we picked up these RC battle bots for their Christmas, installed the batteries the night before to “test” only to find out the remotes will shoot low voltage into your hands when your bot gets hit. So hard it gives you a wrist strap because you’ll drop the controller as a reflex to the pain.
Like good early twenties hipster gen x parents we gave it to them anyways as a lesson in grift shock!