Substack 101: How to Substack Esoterically and Mimetically

"achieve organic growth without pesticides"

Hello! I’m starting a series called Substack 101. In it, I will teach you how to achieve organic growth without pesticides and see how Substack really works.

First off, there are several key concepts for successful communication on Substack:

• Esoteric - (adj) “designed for or understood by the specially initiated alone.” (Websters) Now that you know the definition, ignore it and use it to mean “weird.” That’s what everyone else does. Why do they do it? I’m not sure. People are so esoteric.

• Mimetic - Being mimetic means you copy what other people do. That seems to be the general consensus at least. People throw around terms like “mimetic” and “antimimetic” instead of “conformist” and “rebel.” Try it yourself! You’ll sound smarter!

• Nietzsche - He is an old German philosopher. Those German philosophers are hilarious! (sarcasm) Actually his writings are very depressing which is why intellectuals love him. This is the only philosopher you should quote on Substack. Do not speak of those old Greek guys. Ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates? Morons! What could they know about modern life??? Did I mention Nietzsche died from an STD?

  

• Franz Kafka - Another German! Kafka wrote — wait for it!— depressing stories. His stories tended to be very bizarre and surreal. In his book Metamorphosis he writes about a guy who wakes up as a bug. Ground breaking stuff! Very Kafkaesque! (Kafkaesque means weird and surreal — I mean esoteric and surreal.) Again, intellectuals can’t get enough of this.

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• JRR Tolkien - This is your favorite author. Even if he isn’t, now he is. He wrote the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit. All of Substack requires you make a weekly reference of him or you will be shadowbanned. Sorry. I don’t make the rules. I have a mimetic personality so I’m fine with it.

• Charles Bukowski - A German American! He wrote about dark things that society considers taboo. Would you believe intellectuals love him?

• Philosophy - It’s important to memorize philosophical terms if you want anyone to take you seriously. This sounds hard but once you realize no one knows what any of them mean it becomes a lot easier. Say things like, “The epistemology inherent in the Minions movie brings a certain determinism that many find ontologically challenging.”

These are the key concepts you need to know. Now I will show you some examples of successful Substack communication:

• “JRR Tolkien’s the Silmarillion is an extremely esoteric romp many would call Kafkaesque.”

• “The intellectual’s mimetic desire for German writers is very esoteric.”

• “Bukowski’s epistemology confronts Nietzschean themes of ethics that often result in solipsistic nihilism.”

It wasn’t that bad! (pexels/Tara Winstead)

If you use these techniques, you will instantaneously master the Art of Communication on Substack™. Sure, no one will understand what you are saying but you will fit in perfectly here.

Please share this article with someone you think is esoteric.

Question

• Did I miss any key concepts for successful Substack communication?

Let me know in the comments!

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