LEBRON RETIRES After Stubbing Finger at Low Speed 💀

"I'm taking my talents home!" (*sob*)

Welcome to Thalia’s God Tier News🎭! Satire News from the Comedy Muse! Everything but politics. Subscribe to have my articles emailed to you!

Lebron, one of the best NBA players these past two decades, announced in LA yesterday that he realized he doesn’t have what it takes to be a professional athlete anymore and will be retiring immediately. This is what happened at his retirement press conference.

Lebron stated, “It may seem as a surprise but my career is over. I’m done. My athleticism has left me. Last night was a huge revelation.

I was just trying to open a cabinet and jammed my finger. Not only did I jam it, but I jammed it REALLY hard. I wasn’t even moving fast! It was crazy! It was at that moment I came to doubt my ability to do what it takes in a professional sports league. If I can’t open a simple cabinet, how am I supposed to make three pointers or windmill dunks? I’M LEBRON JAMES!!! It wasn’t like I was moving fast or anything. I just misjudged the distance.”

Reporter Ron D Ball piped in, “Lebron, everyone does it! It’s ok. Just relax!”

“No no no… I’M LEBRON JAMES! DON’T YOU GET IT!!! I NEVER… OW!!! I just bit my tongue. Anyways, as I was saying… OW!!! I DID IT AGAIN!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!”

Lebron raced out of the room like a madman! Off in the distance reporters heard more screaming. “AAAAAAAAAAH!!! I JUST STUBBED MY TOE!!!”

Last we heard fans were sending him Get Well cards. We also heard he received a papercut from them. We hope he survives retirement.

If you liked this checkout:

Yes, Umpire Angel Hernandez's Dad is Satan

Like, comment and share! Subscribe to have my articles emailed to you!

Donate!

If I get enough donations I can produce more content each week! This is the only way I get paid.

One Time Donation | Pantheon Pass⚡| Crypto

Socials

Twitter | Reddit | thaliascomedy.com