Jon Scheyer leaves coaching Duke TO BE THE CEO OF APPLE??? 💡
"Opponents have caught up to them in terms of turtlenecks, glasses, and jeans."
Cupertino, CA — In a surprising turn of events Jon Scheyer, the coach of Duke’s Mens College Basketball team announced publicly that he would be taking his coaching talents to Apple the tech giant.
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“I think I am the straight shooter that Apple and Silicon Valley needs. The flaw I have identified in Apple’s offense is opponents have caught up to them in terms of turtlenecks, glasses, and jeans. Using advanced data analytics from Duke’s sports science lab I found that athleisure would net Apple high returns.
Those annoying restricting clothes are in the towel bin of yesterday. Instead I will bring to the company stretchy sweat pants, breathable microfiber long sleaves, and rec specs.
Many in Silicon Valley are unaware of the rec spec but it is very common to see in basketball. It is more durable than normal glasses and can’t fall off your face. I imagine engineers will love these features.”
Reporters asked John what he thought about AI and if it would play a role in Apple’s future:
“Of course! I bet I could get Allen Iverson to work for us!”
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> AI
I often wonder what Allen Iverson thinks of them stealing his initials to describe middle-manager, corporate yes-man computer programs 🤣
Honestly as a UNC fan I wish this were true.