Doom Scrolling Races are Coming to the Olympics! 👍🏻

Being all thumbs never looked so cool

Sep 24, 2024

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Athens, Greece — Due to popular demand, the Olympic Committee has officially added Doom Scrolling to Track and Field in 2028. If you haven’t heard yet, Doom Scrolling is when someone can’t stop scrolling on social media.

Look at that thumb! World class genetics.

“Yes, we wanted to expand our audience to those who are not built like the traditional athlete. We eagerly welcome the terminally online influencers, homebodies, and hustlers who think they have what it takes to scroll their way to victory.” -Sven Skrollsdottir

Doom Scrolling will feature the desktop and smartphone 5,000 m, 10,000 m, 50,000 m, 100,000 m, and the Ava. The Ava is a 1,000,000 m endurance scroll named after the heroic Ava Scaramucci who died scrolling through Jace’s pics. He totally liked that one photo of Scarlett’s that lowkey was NOT OK. After warning her bff Isabella to dump him for not passing the vibe check, Ava unfortunately perished from exhaustion. She gave her life so her friend could avoid a Sad Girl Summer.

Do you or someone you know have what it takes to be an Olympic champion? Show up to tryouts held at your local popup Instagram trap or the beach.

What similar sports would you like to see in the upcoming Olympics?